Today, fill your cup of life with sunshine and laughter.

21 January 2007


I don't know what this is - I don't do poetry. I've tried to move past this, but it's not working. It hurts to breathe right now. I know - I tell myself - that I have so much to be thankful for, but there's only one thought in my head. It's not supposed to be like that. Babies aren't supposed to die. I finally phoned my parents. They didn't want me to adopt the first time, so I guess I shouldn't have expected anything but the relief they displayed this time. I don't really know how I can even be writing right now, because I have this big unmoving lump in my chest and my arms feel so heavy. How can emotional pain be so physical? Christiana Elizabeth ... such a big name for such a tiny soul. 3 lbs, 3 oz. That was all. With all her imperfections, she was so beautiful. They sent me a picture. Why did they? I didn't want to see the child I'll never hold in my arms. So why do I carry it with me? Sometimes I wish I could just put everything down and walk away.

How do I breathe
when each breath is a struggle?
Who do I see
when I close my eyes?
Why can't I move
with this weight on my shoulders?
How can I grieve
when I can't seem to cry?

I get up each day
and I go through the motions
Of walking and talking
of working and being.
Reality is
there's nobody there.
Instead of me
it's my shell that you're seeing.

I don't pray for death,
I want my life back, instead.
Because the truth is, inside,
I'm already dead.


Maryfly said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm hugging you.

Sweet Kitty said...

Oh my God. That made me cry. I so much wish I could be with you right now. I would give you a big hug. I'm really unhappy I can't be there for you. Be sure, my thoughts and prayers are with you and this little soul who had to go before really arrived.
I know nothing in this world, no words, can really help you to cure this pain at the moment.
But be sure I'm with you. And if you need someone, please don't hesitate to mail me. I'll be there.

With love and big Hugs,

Travis said...

I wish there were some words of comfort I could give you.

A soul is boundless. And when you love with your soul, your love knows no bounds. Thus your grief can be shattering.

Take what comfort you can from your writing. It doesn't bring back what is lost, but it may help your soul find peace.

Your poem is beautiful. Remember your sweet boy, who needs you.


Anndi said...

Dearest Coco,

I've never lost a child. I've lost grandfathers, a grand-mother, a mother... but not a child. I can't begin to know how you feel. But I love you and will hold your hand despite the physical distance between us.

I pray you find peace for your soul.

barbara said...

Hi Coco,
I'am so sorry for this great loss.

I was just passing for my first time, and read your touching poem.

Take care

Angell said...

Oh Coco. I am so sorry for your loss honey.

My heart and thoughts are with you.

Hugs across the miles...

Meribah said...

Death is always difficult to deal with, but it's especially hard when children die. I really don't know how to comfort you, but it is helpful to talk to someone and get some of the hurt off your chest. Try to take it one day at a time and remember that you have friends who care about you. Hugs.

The Little Woman said...

Because regardless - she was the child of your heart. I am praying for you.

Sueann said...

Rin - umm...Poem is wonderfully written...but, well I am concerned for you. Please write to me so we can talk some more about all of this. Love you, hon!

Coco said...

Thank you to all my friends and visitors for your kindness and concern. I've needed this time to work through the anger and spite I've felt about this. Please pray for Christiana's soul, and for the healing of her birth mother, who desperately needs intervention.

Renee said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and I will pray for you and for your requests.
And the little woman said it best above...she was a child in your heart and you love her.

Twyla said...

Beautiful poem. I am so sorry for your loss...I can't imagine. :-(

Bond said...

Coco: have not had much time the last few days to come visit many of my friends.

The saddness I feel for you is minisule compared to the loss you feel.

She is in a better place. her life would have been so painful and difficult.

you could not change those facts.

The love you held for her, she feels now, safe and warm and complete where she is.

julie said...

Hugs go out to you from all around, Coco. My faith shares with me that Christina's soul is with her heavenly Father right now. Have peace knowing that.

Barbara said...

I'm so sorry about your beautiful baby.