Last night was the first New Years Eve celebration that I ever spent essentially alone. Ever. Before you all say "Awww, poor Coco.", I must hastily interject that for that very reason it was one of the very best in recent memory.
Some soul searching during the wee hours of First Night led me to the acknowledgement that I must make this first post of the new year meaningful, if only to myself. I'm a very private person by nature and do not easily give up my secrets. Those of you who have become close to me in the past few months may gawp disbelievingly at that, but if you think about it for a few minutes, you'll remember ...
For the year 2006, I have to thank some very special people. Oddly enough, I've never met most of them. It doesn't matter. In the past year, I've discovered that geographical distance has no effect and no meaning when something is meant to be.
First (and I feel really weird doing this even though it's right and true), I must thank Mr. Taylor Hicks and American Idol. If not for you, I would never have taken steps to find out more about the incredible voice I heard that first night, thus leading me to the people who were instrumental in helping me to make necessary changes in my life.
To my friends of the Soul Patrol and most particularly from the Bunny division, thank you for being there with open arms and open minds. You proved time and again that friendship can happen anywhere, anytime and under just about any circumstances. You also established that love is the most enduring force among friends, no matter what other crap may be going on.
An eternal debt of gratitude to my dear friends SueAnn, Vinny and Anndi. Sue, you were the first person I ever told about my domestic situation, and your input and understanding encouraged me to seek assistance in ending it. Vinny, you validated me in a way no one ever has before. I don't think you realized it at the time, but the turning point for me was June 6. Check your blog on that date if you don't remember why. Anndi, your advice led me in the right direction, and your caring words helped me understand that other people would not condemn, either.
My friends Juanita, Francois-Xavier, Janice and Butch ... even though I had blocked you out of my life when the worst was happening, you were right there when I reached out again. Our friendships, although damaged by my lack of confidence, are steadily regaining ground, and for that I am thankful. A special thank you to F-X for going the extra distance by attending support group with me. That can't have been easy for you. And for looking out for Brennan and me when I was sick. Things like that make me wish you weren't quite so gay, my dear old friend. Lol. I'm glad you're back in the neighbourhood.
Dr. Nadeau, thank you for your talent of listening without interrupting or judging. It was exactly what I needed to get everything out in the open. I wish the others had your instincts.
My brother and his family, because I knew I could count on you for anything. How lucky am I to have family like that? Nothing was too big or too small. And although you made me cry on Christmas Day, I hope you'll remember the smile that went with those tears. I'm still wearing it.
Finally, and perhaps most strangely of all, I need to thank my husband. Distance being the great clarifier, I see now what was clouded in my judgement. You've helped me, Dave, by being an even bigger jerk since we separated, to realize that I deserve so much more than you would ever be able to offer. I don't hate you any more. What I feel is a certain amount of pity, mixed with disbelief, that you can't see that you are the cause of your own discontent. Thank you for behaving, these past months, in a way that helped me see that I was not the reason for any of your failures, no matter what you would have me believe. Now that the separation is legal, I can move on with my life, and make sure that Brennan and I create a new reality far removed from the one you inflicted upon us.
To all my loved ones (I've never said and meant it more), I wish for you all the joy and peace imaginable for this new and glorious year that we are now entering. Much love.
Some soul searching during the wee hours of First Night led me to the acknowledgement that I must make this first post of the new year meaningful, if only to myself. I'm a very private person by nature and do not easily give up my secrets. Those of you who have become close to me in the past few months may gawp disbelievingly at that, but if you think about it for a few minutes, you'll remember ...
For the year 2006, I have to thank some very special people. Oddly enough, I've never met most of them. It doesn't matter. In the past year, I've discovered that geographical distance has no effect and no meaning when something is meant to be.
First (and I feel really weird doing this even though it's right and true), I must thank Mr. Taylor Hicks and American Idol. If not for you, I would never have taken steps to find out more about the incredible voice I heard that first night, thus leading me to the people who were instrumental in helping me to make necessary changes in my life.
To my friends of the Soul Patrol and most particularly from the Bunny division, thank you for being there with open arms and open minds. You proved time and again that friendship can happen anywhere, anytime and under just about any circumstances. You also established that love is the most enduring force among friends, no matter what other crap may be going on.
An eternal debt of gratitude to my dear friends SueAnn, Vinny and Anndi. Sue, you were the first person I ever told about my domestic situation, and your input and understanding encouraged me to seek assistance in ending it. Vinny, you validated me in a way no one ever has before. I don't think you realized it at the time, but the turning point for me was June 6. Check your blog on that date if you don't remember why. Anndi, your advice led me in the right direction, and your caring words helped me understand that other people would not condemn, either.
My friends Juanita, Francois-Xavier, Janice and Butch ... even though I had blocked you out of my life when the worst was happening, you were right there when I reached out again. Our friendships, although damaged by my lack of confidence, are steadily regaining ground, and for that I am thankful. A special thank you to F-X for going the extra distance by attending support group with me. That can't have been easy for you. And for looking out for Brennan and me when I was sick. Things like that make me wish you weren't quite so gay, my dear old friend. Lol. I'm glad you're back in the neighbourhood.
Dr. Nadeau, thank you for your talent of listening without interrupting or judging. It was exactly what I needed to get everything out in the open. I wish the others had your instincts.
My brother and his family, because I knew I could count on you for anything. How lucky am I to have family like that? Nothing was too big or too small. And although you made me cry on Christmas Day, I hope you'll remember the smile that went with those tears. I'm still wearing it.
Finally, and perhaps most strangely of all, I need to thank my husband. Distance being the great clarifier, I see now what was clouded in my judgement. You've helped me, Dave, by being an even bigger jerk since we separated, to realize that I deserve so much more than you would ever be able to offer. I don't hate you any more. What I feel is a certain amount of pity, mixed with disbelief, that you can't see that you are the cause of your own discontent. Thank you for behaving, these past months, in a way that helped me see that I was not the reason for any of your failures, no matter what you would have me believe. Now that the separation is legal, I can move on with my life, and make sure that Brennan and I create a new reality far removed from the one you inflicted upon us.
To all my loved ones (I've never said and meant it more), I wish for you all the joy and peace imaginable for this new and glorious year that we are now entering. Much love.
11 comments:
Thank you for sharing this Coco. Opening up is so healing isn't it?
This year will be a year of wonder for you and Brennan as you begin to see the world through the eyes of a youngster still untainted by the reality that you have seen.
Hugs sweet lady.
Happy New Year, my dear. And congratulations on grabbing freedom for you and Brennan.
Oh, Coco! 2007 is your year!
What a great post! I hope this year brings you much love, peace and happiness. Hugs!
I have no words except to say I love you dear friend. I am so very proud of the courage you have shown in making a better life for yourself and that sweet boy that you are raising into a man.
I am honoured to have you in my life.
Coco: OK.. wow... What a briliant post.
It shows how much you have grown.. oh and you live in NEW BRUNSWICK!!!!!
LOL sorry dear...
I did have to go look at the post you referred to and you are also correct. There is no way i knew that made an impact.. but it thrills me that it did.
You have made it thhrough the gauntlet Coco... now - though not easy - you have an open road to explore and make yourself smile so much more often..and B is now free to never lose that beautiful smile.
now THERE.... is some soul searching.
Happy New Year Cocco!
Damm (first name is dave...don't hold it against me) Duck
What a great post.
It may sound crazy, but separating from my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me, even though at the time, it was the hardest. My life is so much better now, and I know yours will be too. :-)
It's good to know you have so many great people in your life.
Coco,
What a wonderful and heart filled post. You are a wonderful woman who has added to my life so much.
I know 2007 will be your year.
:)
Hugs!
I am so happy Coco that you have made it through such a tough time without losing that essential quality of being able to give of yourself as all great teachers must. And from all I have seen you are. Happy New Year
Happy New Year from me and mine, dear Coco. Thanks for sharing this brilliant post!
And thank you so much for stopping by my little coffee corner earlier today and for the congrats and warm words =)
I´m so glad I´ve found you via The Couch!
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